dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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