Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
