You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
