i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
