The best revenge is premature balding
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
