maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
