So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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