I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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