I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
