Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
