Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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