I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
