I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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