I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
