No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she looked like the before picture.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
