Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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