guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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