Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
