I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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