I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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