what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
