My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
