Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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