i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
