Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
