Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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