you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know her cup size but not her name....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
