forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
