You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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