You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
