Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
