Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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