yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
