our cab driver is having phone sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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