I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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