I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
