My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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