come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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