Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
