I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
God I need to hump something, right now.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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