Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
