I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
