Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
