does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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