3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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