I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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