Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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