so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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