my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
