You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
