At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this just has baby written all over it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
