Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
