Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
